Introspection

"If you can't be with the one you love, love the one you're with." ~CSNY

There's no easy way to write this post, and I don't want to piss people off by writing it, but it's not entirely nice and I think it's something that I need to get off my chest. I visited my high school on Wednesday and had a chat with an old teacher of mine... just catching up on past times, all that jazz, and she had some thoughts on who I am and the way I am that gave me some insights about myself that I've never really had before. In particular, she said I'm mature and worldly far beyond my peers... and I think that might explain a lot. She also said I'm very modest about it... and I think that's where I've been running into trouble of late.

Over the past several months, I've come to the conclusion that, in Toronto at least... the majority of people I think of as friends really aren't meeting the idea in my mind of what a friend should be. I'm not expecting anything of them I wouldn't want them to expect of me... to not leave me hanging with a maybe when I'm trying to make plans that involve them, to not say one thing and do another, to handle the legwork if they want something done... pretty straightforward common courtesy stuff, at least from where I sit. Then again, I may well be in a completely different heandspace than many of my Torontonian peers, since many of them can't(or won't) do that much in their dealings with me. Again, not all of them... but plenty more than should be the case.

Then tonight, I lost out on a fun evening and a too-rare opportunity to hang out with some friends from high school who I never see, because I don't know the host of the evening, despite being good friends with the host's boyfriend all through high school.

I see where she's coming from, and I have no doubt my good friend made every effort to vouch for me under the ciricumstances, so I'm not attacking the people... but the circumstances, at least to me... seem a little unnecessarily imposed. And herein lies the rub: do I think them unnecessary because they are unnecessary, or is it that they are necessary but I just can't wrap my head around it because I'm living my life at a point where those considerations wouldn't even cross my mind as a possibility?

I've been trying my best to rationalize these things as being my fault, and my responsibility, and there's a certain point where I kinda have to step back and say: I had nothing to do with this. I don't decide the rules for admission to a party I'm invited to, nor do I push my friends to not RSVP when I organize something... and these sorts of things are happening far too often from far too many people my age to just be coincidence. That's what I think.

And yet, it's not so simple as just closing the book on everyone I know and starting anew. When I started high school, I was hanging out with guys my age, as well as upper years, and it didn't feel like a huge gap; in University, the same applies... but there's always been huge gaps between each block, that is: High School kids don't hang out lots with University students, and University students don't hang out lots with University grads who are out there making decent bank... which makes a modicum of sense... if you're working for a decent living, you've got way more disposable income and are going to associate with similar individuals, which means it's unlikely for a university student who's busy with school to be able to keep up with that kind of social spending, because they just don't have the money, despite their best intentions.

I get along famously with just about everyone I've worked with at Breakaway, Leisure Tours, and Student City... I've made good impressions, done good work, and it's paid off with renewed and repeated employment at increasingly good pay. When asked, a bunch of my coworkers thought I was 23-25 as opposed to the 20 I was at the time. My point is this: maybe I get along best with people who aren't in university anymore and have moved on to the workforce, so I should stop trying so hard to be social with my school peers when more often than not it doesn't work out...

...which would be easy if I didn't have this problem of only working that job full-time 4 months a year and being in school the other 8... in a nutshell, I'm pretty broke, so I don't have the financial means to keep up with my coworkers socially. But I don't really hang out with my friends from school much because our mindsets are in totally different areas. So this is my catch-22... and all I can say is that the sooner I'm out of it, the better. Suddenly, my decision to reduce my degree to just a regular BA with no honours makes a lot more sense, as does my frustration when my graduation got delayed a semester. So, as Stills put it... I gotta make the best of a less-than-stellar situation... which means correspondence courses wherever possible to minimize my workload, and as much office work and fun as I can handle in Boston and Mississauga in the coming year.

Brian out, a little disappointed in his past, but hopeful for his future once he gets over this damn university hump.